


nearly dead parasites (trying desperately to survive)

by punkcowboy



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Ben is sad, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Other, how did Ben die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 11:30:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18342794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkcowboy/pseuds/punkcowboy
Summary: Ben never intended to hurt himself. That just happened to be an unfortunate side effect of what he did want to do, which was kill the monsters in his chest.





	nearly dead parasites (trying desperately to survive)

**Author's Note:**

> TW: eating disorder  
> (any other triggers you notice, I'd be happy to put them here, so feel free to comment please, I don't want to trigger anyone) 
> 
> hi! I'm sorry this is sad, it's a concept I've been thinking of for a while. Hope you enjoy xo

Ben never intended to hurt himself. That just happened to be an unfortunate side effect of what he did want to do, which was kill the monsters in his chest.

He could always feel them, _had_ always felt them, a squirming, moving mass in his stomach, an alien noise in the back of his head. It was like a parasite, leeching the life out of him, taking more and more control of his body without him having any say in the matter.

Because, that was the thing- it _wasn't_ his body. Not really. While _they_ were there, as they always had been, then all it could be was a vessel he shared with these creatures.

It was simple, really- he wanted to get rid of them.

That's what most people could never understand- it was never about _him_. He wasn't insecure, or angry. Not punishing himself, or searching for attention- he was just tired. Tired of feeling like he didn't have control over his own body. Tired of feeling disconnected, of hearing them hissing in the back of his mind; tired of constantly fighting to withhold them, tired of-

Just. _Tired_.

They were heavy, dragging him down every step he took.

He wanted to feel weightless.

He wanted to make them suffer- to starve them from the inside out. To let them know what it felt like to lose control, to feel yourself ebbing away with no choice in the matter.

Not eating was easy. Meal times were allocated, fifteen minutes for lunch, thirty minutes each for breakfast and dinner. If they didn't eat in those times, they didn't eat at all. Ben started to opt for the second option.

He lost a lot of weight, fast, but still didn't manage to shed the monsters that were weighing him down. He could see in his reflection that ho looked almost skeletal- his eyes were sunken and sad, cheeks hollow and lips permanently cracking, blood looking stark on his now pale skin. Bruises came easily, and stayed for a long time, his arms a sickening medley of purples and blues. He looked horrible, and he hated it, but this was what he needed to do to get rid of those fucking creatures. He was sure of it. So, he stopped looking.

Klaus was mostly too high to notice what he was doing, and even if he did, he wasn't exactly the shining example for good health or non-harmful coping mechanisms. Luther wouldn't say anything if Reginald didn't, and Reginald never did. By this point, everyone else had already left.

Like he said- easy.

The monsters started to quiet down, the loud hissing becoming barely audible whispers. The wriggling in his stomach becoming slower, weaker. It was working. The only issue was that he was becoming weaker too.

He just needed to hang on for a while longer. If he gave up now, they'd just come back full force. No, he had to wait until there was not a single trace of them left. He was nearly in control. He just needed to outlast them.

In case it wasn't obvious by now, that didn't happen.

It wasn't on a mission, or even in a training session. Just a little fall, that's all it took. The three remaining members of the Umbrella Academy were messing about for once, shoving and joking and actually having _fun_ \- when Ben lost his footing, or maybe Luther pushed a little too hard for Ben's fragile state. Whatever it was, Ben went down and didn't have the energy to get back up.

He managed to roll himself onto his back, feeling lightheaded. Staring up at the ceiling in shock, he felt a strange sense of calm wash over him, even as his siblings panicked and yelled for help. He knew somehow that, _well_ , fuck, _this_ _is_ _it_ , but he didn't feel sad or scared- just empty.

The last thing he noticed, smiling a little deliriously, was that the monsters had finally gone still.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for making benny boi suffer so much :( despite the conflicting evidence from all my TUA fics, Ben is actually my favourite character
> 
> Thank you for reading anyway, any kudos and/or feedback is much appreciated! Xo


End file.
